A crash course on self-destruction

From one post to the next, it’s somewhat plain to see that my moods are very much situationally dependent — what seems upbeat one day can easily sour the next.  It’s something I’m painfully aware of, but it’s not easily fixed.  I’m starting to see some of the old patterns I fell into before fleeing the country for Spain starting to reemerge and they have self-destruction written all over them.  Drinking too much, pursuing relationships with emotionally ambiguous or unavailable men, putting off the important things on a growing to-do list.  While I derive some short-lived happiness from these activities, overall the path I’m on always leads to a mental dead end.

I was in a good place when I moved back to Baltimore this past October but for reasons not totally clear to me, I’ve started slipping again.  I pride myself on my self-awareness and can often understand why things are going the way they are, but in certain instances, I feel as if I’m lost in a thick fog within my head, hands outstretched for balance while my feet take plodding and cautious steps.  This feels like one of those times.

It seems as if the simplest cure would be a period of isolation during which I can refocus my priorities and get a grip on the good sense that is slowly slipping through my fingers.  I should be spending more time on writing and photography; tangible things that bring me a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction.  I need to work on getting back to that place where I don’t care so much.

I’ve developed a bit of an obsession lately with Sylvia Plath and it’s not because of her poetry.  To be honest, I don’t really enjoy poetry at all.  I listen to music on an almost constant basis, using lyrics that resonate with my own life to help me think through challenging situations or as a source of comfort.  A lot of my favorite artists are very poetic and so I wonder why I can’t appreciate written poetry like the songs I cherish so much.  So no, while Sylvia is an acclaimed poet and in my mind, a literary genius, it’s her life and personal struggles that I most identify with.  I understand the dark cloud looming over an otherwise charmed and successful life; the recognized loss of control that tightens its grip around your throat while others around you can’t see that you’re unable to breathe.  I find reading biographical accounts of her life, along with her personal diary, lend me some personal insight and also help me to feel that someone so similar and outwardly normal also had a raging storm within.  The end of her story, however, is a tragic one.

I always feel the need to end these posts with a modified pep talk about how I need to do this or that to get back on track, but I’m not going to do that this time.  Instead I’ll just leave a photo that for me embodies one of those moments of happiness, a simple walk through the city, finding little instances of beauty to photograph in this rocky city.

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About Andrea Ella

Change junkie, adventure seeker, avid couchsurfer. Let's get weird.
This entry was posted in Musings and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to A crash course on self-destruction

  1. I mentally jumped up and down with excitement when I read this. Not based on the topic, which is rather serious in nature, but because I understand exactly what you’re talking about. An acute sense of self-awareness that is a blessing and a curse, because you know your habits, and you know when you are taking a darker turn, but identifying your problems and actually knowing how to fix them are two different things. Also, I love Sylvia Plath as well and I too can relate to being a leader and an accomplished person but struggling with personal problems, and not knowing how to ask for help.
    Anyway…I really enjoyed this post. I’d love for you to check out my blog and consider following.
    http://whirlysquirrel.wordpress.com

  2. Thanks so much for your feedback, it’s truly appreciated. I struggled with whether or not I should post this initially; it’s very personal and I don’t often like talking about these issues as I feel they expose a sort of vulnerability. People view me as extremely strong and independent, which I am, but I also can’t be that person all the time. But despite my reservations of publishing this post, I’ve received positive feedback as a result. It seems to me that because mental health issues aren’t talked about much, due to the continued stigma, the moment someone shares their experiences, it’s like others dealing with the same sort of issues breathe a sigh of relief that it’s out in the open. So, I feel good that people can relate to this post and hope that it helps them feel a little less isolated.

    As for your blog, I read your latest entry — it was really well-written and thought-provoking. I’d love to check out more of your stuff. Thanks again for your kind words and wish you the best of luck on your journey!

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